India is poised on the verge of an ageing crisis. We know that our country has an elderly
population (aged 60 and above) of more than a 100 million (2011 census), which is
projected to reach around 230 million in 2036. This would constitute more than 15% of the
total population, with about 1 in 7 Indian citizens being 60 years or older (reference).
Correspondingly the reproductive rate is declining. These factors add up to an enhanced
national, social and familial responsibility of eldercare, with lesser people available to do
the job.
On a broader scale, there have been legislative, political and social initiatives towards
facilitating this transition, such as the Maintenance and Welfare of Parents and Senior
Citizens (Amendment) Act 2019, which legally requires children and heirs to take care of
their parents financially. The last few years have also witnessed initiatives towards
providing better institutional and medical care for the elderly in the form of geriatric
departments in hospitals and senior living establishments, though much is still required to
be done in this regard for our country to be at par with the developed nations. The new
developments are also largely concentrated in the tier 1 cities and small towns suffer from
a lack of awareness and facilities.
On a smaller scale, our society is seeing a steady shift towards nuclear families and adult
offspring moving away from their parents either by choice or due to career compulsions.
Even when aged parents live with their children, the relationship is strained and distant in
an unfortunately large fraction of cases, leading to unwilling or insufficient care and
support. The social structure is more complicated than ever before, with many women
employed outside the home, a significant exodus for overseas jobs which leaves the
parents behind, and changes in gender and family dynamics.
In this scenario, what are the best measures one can take, on a personal level, to ensure
care and support for our elderly – other than resorting to eldercare facilities, which are still
largely unavailable or undependable in our country?
As an only daughter who cared alone for her father through a long, painful journey of
dementia right up till losing him at the age of 97, I sense the need for two fundamental
shifts in our collective consciousness which would make the situation easier for everyone
concerned.
Firstly, it must become more acceptable for daughters to take care of their parents. Our
traditional system of girls being largely alienated from their birth family after marriage
worked in a situation where every family had several children, both sons and daughters; it
was a given that the daughter would leave the home after getting married, while the elderly
parents would be cared for by the sons (often, by default, by the daughters-in-law).
This arrangement is untenable in the current scenario where many families have only a
daughter (or even two or more daughters). If they are supposed to leave behind their own
family, is it to be assumed that their parents are destined to be alone in their old age?
Unfortunately, this idea leads to a societal disbalance where sons are preferred as heirs,
and in the extreme case, people mourn the birth of daughters and keep trying to have a son
– simply because the son is meant to be the ‘budhape ka sahara’ (support in old age).
It can be easily imagined how much pressure this puts on the sons, the daughters as well
as the daughters-in-law. The son, because he cannot expect any cooperation from his
sisters in an unarguably major responsibility; the daughter, because she is often helpless
and cannot physically and financially be there for her parents even if she wants to; and the
daughter-in-law, because she has a responsibility put upon her which she may not be
emotionally ready for – especially since, in many families, a man’s parents and his wife are not on the best of terms.
Much as we would like to dream of an ideal society where every wife is as close and loving
with her in-laws as she was with her own parents, and vice versa, the practical truth is that
this does not often happen (though of course there are honorable exceptions). In effect,
this means that a large fraction of women are trapped into doing caregiving which they are
less inclined to do (for their in-laws instead of their own parents), while also worrying about
the parents they have left behind; and the men are caught in the crossfire.
I am not suggesting that men should universally start becoming ‘ghar jamai’ (men living
with their in-laws) to solve this issue. It would be enough if people kept open minds at the
time of marriage regarding living with and caring for both sets of parents, so that the matter
can be decided on a case-by-case basis.
It may happen that in a particular case, one spouse (either husband or wife) has other
siblings to take care of their parents, or their parents are relatively younger and selfsufficient, while the other spouse (again, either husband or wife) is an only child with a
widowed parent. Here it should be logically obvious that the parent of the second spouse
needs more care and therefore the couple should live with him/her, but as per our current
system, many people would be shocked by this idea if the second spouse happens to be
the wife.
Alternatively, if both sets of parents seem to need equal care and support at a given point of
time, an arrangement where they live as a blended family may be considered, or at least they can all live within a neighboring distance so that help and companionship can be
provided across the board.
Basically, the proposal is that society’s rulebook should keep its nose out of the issue, so
that the couple and their parents are free to decide on the best course of action for their
specific situation without any preconceived bias or social pressure. I believe this would be
in the interest of all elderly people receiving the best possible care if it has to be provided
by their offspring. Any such setup would of course require maturity and goodwill on the part
of everyone involved, and as such requires a movement towards less rigidity and more
practical thinking.
Secondly, any system of familial caregiving can only be successful if the emotional bonds
are strong. How can this be achieved, in an environment where we have so much
generational conflict? I believe this is only possible over time, if an even more fundamental
paradigm shift can be welcomed into our homes – parents being less like parents and more
like friends. A lot of friction between parents and children is caused by the strict,
unbending attitude of the parents, which triggers hostility and rebellion in their children.
Again, with honorable exceptions, Indian parents are often given to overthinking and
worrying about their children, which manifests in control rather than care and harshness
rather than gentleness. Having experienced my father’s parenting as the exact antithesis of
this, I can say that experiencing a parent as a comrade and confidante does wonders to the
parent-child relationship. The bond in childhood gets reflected in the bond they will have
later in life. If the connection between them has not become embittered by overprotection,
rigidity and suspicion, it is much more likely to last into the parent’s twilight years, and then
care and support become a pleasure, done out of love, rather than a duty or a burden.
For this to happen, parents must first release many restrictive expectations they have from
their children, both personally and academically, and accept that every child is different
and is divinely bound to choose their own path in life. Forgiveness and acceptance go a
long way in making the relationship stronger and easier. If one can only operate on the
principle that every soul is allowed to make its own mistakes and learn from them,
parenting can come from a place of love and calmness rather than fear. Indeed, many
mistakes could be avoided if the growing child can only talk freely to their parents about
their feelings and plans, knowing that they will be understood and not judged; generational
wisdom is best conveyed as advice rather than orders.
In conclusion, to enable a society which is more accommodating and generous towards its
elderly, old ideas need to change: sons and daughters have to be enabled to share equally
the responsibility of caregiving. And for the caring to be a joy rather than an imposition, we
are in dire need of parents and children opening their hearts towards each other, so that the
bond of human warmth and acceptance transcends the difficulties and loneliness of old
age.
Reference
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