Subhechcha Ganguly 
Whenever it comes to the right kind of marriage, opinions get distributed, there never seems to be an unanimity. However, the new generation, seems to have found the perfect compromise and is now talking of love-arranged and arranged-love marriages, as a carriage to the NX!
In this article I’ve discussed the changing face of marriage in India, tracing the evolutionary phase of the present day marriage. Right back from the generation for whom there was no option other than to marry the partner chosen by their parents; it goes right up to the present enlightened generation. Learning from their parents, this generation has recognized the wisdom of allowing their parents to fix their marriages for them. Between these two was the era of rebellion, when youngsters embarked on love marriages merely to prove a point.
I’ve seen as many successful ‘arranged’ marriages as ‘love’ marriages. This is, of course, a peculiarly Indian description that amuses the rest of the world. But hang on! Umm…I see ‘arranged’ or ‘semi-arranged’, i.e., ‘love’ marriages gaining importance even in the West. Perhaps people have got to know the reality that there are no real guarantees, no safety nets either way; you can consult the most revered astrologer, talk to the family poojaree, match horoscopes for all the gunas endorsed by the shastras, but if a marriage has to collapse, it will and for a marriage driver by emotion, which we so cutely call a ‘love’ marriage either. It’s a fifty-fifty chance, whichever option one takes. One has to maintain his lifeline all by himself, like how a player has to protect his lifeline in the game of Players’ Unknown Battle Grounds(PUBG). Young people have discerned this, perhaps with all the visions and missions. A lot of kids today are entrusting this all-important decision to their folks-parents, relatives and true friends. Of course the new ‘arrangement’ is more open-ended and better structured, for the old ‘rules’, which prescribed the ghastly ‘Dekho’ session seems null and void. The social meetings orchestrated by intermediaries these days work in a more acceptable fashion.
Shobhaa De’s father recalls his first encounter with her mother with a wry smile, many score years later. He describes each stage as if it happened last week. How his eldest brother asked to see the ‘girl’ in broad daylight, and insisted on her displaying a bit of her ankles too! This was to make sure her mother was not lame, had no deformities in her lower limbs that a flowing nine-yard saree could successfully camouflage, and that she could walk unaided! The ‘broad daylight’ factor was to judge the exact shade of her complexion—naturally light-skinned or were the blemishes concealed by a concealer(a makeup product) from the on-lookers and/or caked with talcum powder!? Fortunately she was not asked to sing, dance or produce a culinary miracle to the discretion of misuse of freedom that was given to the guests!
Apart from this, their formal meeting, this uncle also surprised her mother’s family with an unscheduled visit, during which he demanded the ‘girl’ be produced in an ‘undisturbed’ or ‘as is’ condition what we call, without as much as running a comb through her hair(beware! Maybe the future bride is bald and wearing a wig!)
Once she passed his scrutiny, the talks progressed to the matching of horoscopes. Alas! The family priest declared the match entirely unsuitable, insisting there’s no hope for such an ill-starred couple. She understood he’s then ‘persuaded’ to reconfigure the astral positions with a few additional rupees thrown in for a fresh verdict. And bingo! The match was declared to be perfect after all. And so it was…not so was it!
She often asks her dad what he thinks are the basic factors that made his marriage a success. He always gives her the same reply: ‘character’ and ‘abiding love’. With these comes the rest of the attributable package. It helped, of course, that her dad flipped for her mother’s looks at first “glance”, not even sight! But what about her? Did she have a choice in the matter? He insists that she did and that nobody could have forced the spirited seventeen-year-old Shakunthala to marry a man she didn’t give a damn about!
What about fights? Differences? Tantrums? Of course their marriage had a fair share of these. But beyond occasional arguments and sulks, I don’t recall a day of sustained hostility and unpleasantness. If they’d problems, they settled them in privacy. It was, in many ways, a great marriage, full of caring, sharing and a great give and take. And above all, full of communication.
One need not chuck either communication or passion out of a modern-day arranged match. Of late while in America, she’d met several extremely bright American Desis. She confesses she was a little surprised when told that most of the young couples slaving away for their MBAs, were in fact, not the dating couples she imagined, who’d taken campus romance to the altar, but couples who had met as strangers through family intervention. In this day and age, these kids had taken the crucial seven steps round the holy fire, without so much as holding hands before the wedding night, forget about the epic Sangeet night! And here they were, some with young children, others still settling in their new lives as ‘young marrieds’, but nobody could possibly guess that they’d opted for a conventional ‘arranged’ marriage out of choice and not with any stereotypical assumptions as such. When she expressed her surprise, they drawled, ‘Aaw-no big deal…it has worked out just great!’ And so it seemed!
In Mumbai, too, more and more children of parents De knows are leaving it to mum and dad to look for the right alliance, without going on consulating it on their own. ‘My mum knows me better than I know myself’, a young man confessed, ‘I trust her judgement. My dad has seen the world, he has more experience. They know what’s good for me.’ And these are guys in these mid-thirties who’ve studied on foreign universities, dated a few girls, done the party circuit and yet, when it came to marriage, they were more than Happy to settle for a conventional, old fashioned match much like their grand parents !
It was De’s generation that perverted the system by rebelling against it that had perfectly worked well, for centuries. A lot of them paid the price for letting their impulsive hearts decide who their soulmates would be. No regrets ! Just that she fears they are blindly following the West and taking their cues from Hollywoods, just to prove to their parents how ‘liberated’ and ‘modern; they were. Their kids are smarter And more realistic, They have seen too many marriages collapse and they definitely don’t want repeat performances in their own lives, force-fed on romantic drive from countless movies, this is a generation that laughs at the old Mills & Boon version of marriage.. They ache for performance and stability. If an arranged match can provide both, they are not disinclined to considering it. Because the disinclination, previous shown, has turned hollow.
De’s own girls receive proposals from suitable boys, through well-meaning intermediaries. So far, nothing has clicked. But at least, the girls are not mocking of the matter. ( The same thing follows for the boys, who shrug ‘whatever’, which translates to ‘It’s Alright’, without disapprovingly shrugging their shoulders at least ! ( like the author’s driver does in the ‘Two gentlemen of Verona) which is perhaps why she’s not wholly caught by surprise when she heard of those desi young married in the US.
They were refreshingly candid both by the look and by words, when talking about the methodical manner in which their parents had gone about the whole thing. The girls were all literates, attractive pres who looked happy enough as they adapted to an entirely alien culture with an entirely alien partner. So be it ! A great deal of crisis resolved !
We got to know each other only after the wedding. But it has worked out, they insisted. Some had had earlier relationships but claimed that fact did not colour their decision. They had made informed choices and expressed no regrets-uncoloured, untainted decisions !
On the other hand, she had also met alarmingly young divorcees ( some with crying babies), who had lamented the day, they’d said ‘I do’ to a boy-friend of long standing. ‘We thought we knew each other so well. We were used to each other’s ways too. God knows what went wrong after we got married. It reached a point where we could not stand the sight of one another’. Can happen. Does happen. Love…passion…desire..madness…where does everything vanish ? Nobody knows crazy, lunatic matters to be commented and lamented upon.
The worst thing about a love marriage that ends up on the rocks is that parents get all huffy and judgements.’ We told you it would not work. Did you listen ? We knew he wasn’t the right person. Now look where you are!’ Parents in such a plight do have a point. But they also need to rise above their own feeling of outrage and false pride and provide much needed empathy to a child who has made a mistake and is going through the hell-like pitfalls of love.
Love marriages may be more common now than they once were in our society, but that’s only because of increased mobility and access, that has, kind of, made us forget locomotions! Dating starts among teens. Couples might see each other for close to a decade before tying the Brahma knot. But even such marriage can collapse, much to the parents’ dismay. ‘After ten long years you people still didn’t know what you were doing! Ludicrous!’
Parents must avoid this harsh judgement trap even inside the already existing pit/ditch in which their child is, and extend a helping hand to an emotionally distressed offspring dealing with a broken marriage and much else. This is the time which can only be described as wretched. De knows the feeling for, she’s gone through it herself.
Your self-worth is at its lowest and you’ve never felt as desperately lonely. You also feel the entire world is sitting in judgement over what is a personal and painful decision. Friends take sides, cast aspersions, play the blame game. As for foes-they gloat and chortle with glee, at the expense of the loss of intimacy, while trading the ugliest rumours and their auxiliary-like flop theories as to why the whole thing collapsed.
If, at such a time, even your ‘immediate next’ family turns its back on you, then why call it family in the first place; in the honour of outsiders!? All it takes is a little sensitivity, love and patience. De keeps running into single parents trying hard to cope with a failed marriage, while presenting a tough facade; running out of joyful days of life. Having been there, she can identify with the emotion. No matter what anyone says, it isn’t easy; never was…never will be…Society is not known for its mercy. When the chips are down, you’ve just one person to fall back on—yourself!
Not every love match is similarly hopeless. There are enough and more marriages based on great romance. Marriages that have survived all attempts to ruin them. Couples who’ve battled tremendous, daunting odds to be together—religious problems, caste problems, class problems too. Yet, I fear the vulgarization of the entire love-marriage phenomenon.
At least some of the blame for this has to be shared by popular Hindi cinema. Love ke liye kuch bhi karega and similar sentiments. Almost everyday, our newspapers run headlines about lovers caught in some hedious situation—elopements to the altar gone awry, acid attacks on women who’ve turned down ardent suitors; kidnappings and rapes. All this in the name of ‘love’. It’s not just an urban problem. These ridiculous manifestations of ‘love’ can be discerned in rural India too! A direct spin-off of Bollywood potboilers I’m convinced.
Marry for love by all means but be realistic simultaneously. Marrying ‘above’ or ‘beneath’ your own level is an option only the stout-hearted should take…not the faint-hearted! Even in this day and age, a large part of India is still preoccupied with caste and class. Those who attempt to cross either or both, will necessarily be up against a great deal of resistance governed by the prejudices less breakable.
To have the guts to stand up for your beliefs and marry the person you house in your mind, despite the dismay and sigh, is a challenge. If, on the other hand, you’re lucky enough to flip for someone you can happily take home to mum, go for it. There’s no better reason to give up your independence than to be with a person you love and who loves you. But love solely is no guarantee.
At the end of the day, it’s back to the C-word: Commitment. A couple in an ‘arranged’ match can fall in love later and make a success of their marriage. But someone opting for love cannot then look for the rewards of an arranged alliance.
Love is meant to overcome all odds and embrace any complication. Nothing quite as unrealistic or lofty is expected from a more conventional approach. Which is why, the next time someone rolls up flashing the right credentials and with serious intent, I shall swiftly arrange a Dekho session at Mumbai’s all-time favourite ‘Dekho’ venue—the old-fashioned ‘Sea-Lounge’ at the Taj Mahal Hotel. Imagine me as a ‘proper’ mother-in-law! You can’t? Too bad! I can!
About the writer
I’m a budding writer who wants to keep growing in the safe harbour of my publishers.
